Being a woman today
I remember a while ago when I told a friend of mine about my approach to men. Whenever I would go for a run, I would greet other women, children and old people. If a man was approaching, I would avert my eyes and avoid him for fear of initiating contact and subsequently making myself vulnerable to his advances.
Is this the world we live in…? How insane is it that there are humans out there, fearing for their safety and their personal space being invaded without consent just by the way they dress or by giving a courteous greeting to a fellow human being.
Sadly, yes, this is the world we live in. Within this past year, I was working at a high school in China where the (British) principal declared that a woman in the UK was asking to be raped by “wearing a short skirt” (they were discussing the court case of this woman). The worst part is: one of my (also British) colleagues defended this revolting man. He said the principal is simply “old-fashioned”. No, he is not. It would mean that he thinks she dressed like a slut — which is also not ok purely because in English society the word “slut” has a negative connotation. However, saying that she was asking to be raped shows that there is something inherently wrong with your brain. Maybe he fell on his head as a baby? Who knows…? It doesn’t matter — she could be walking naked along the road and still not be asking for anything.
The point is: this kind of speech stems from the notion that men (especially white, privileged men) ‘own women’. They can do as they like, demand what they want, and just take it. It means that they can say highly inappropriate things, especially in their position of authority, and women are supposed to be embarrassed and shy, maybe giggling it away… Instead of saying: “Fuck you and fuck off.”
Essentially, men can do what they want without owning any accountability or being held responsible for their actions and the sometimes harrowing consequences. They could also then have the audacity to be indignantly upset by the negative response and call the victim a “bitch” (or a similar term meant as a derogatory insult).
Is this acceptable? Of course not.
Do you know what else is unacceptable? Women who falsely claim rape or sexual assault when that is not the true story. There are also women who cry wolf when a work relationship has gone sour after they have given consent to whatever their colleague wanted to do, or perhaps they even initiated these advances.
You are drawing a curtain over the true victims of sexual assault. You are snatching away the power from women everywhere, depriving the truth of their stories to prevail! It is because of lying women that most women are still not allowed to wear a tight, short skirt, or a low cut top and look sexy without being cat-called on the street. It is because of these women that the power of other women’s voices are being revoked, case by case…
I visited Thailand earlier this year and I loved it. There wasn’t one moment when I felt hungry eyes following me and lingering over various parts of my body. The people there were so desensitized. There was a plethora of hot, sexy men and women parading their beautiful bodies up and down the beaches and streets, day and night. I felt as though I could just quietly blend in there and it was amazing.
On the other hand, when I lived in China I’d find people staring at me almost everywhere I went. This had to do more with the fact that I was a foreigner than with any sexual matter. However, I never felt unsafe or threatened when living there.
Returning back home, I could feel starving eyes staring at me and my sister. I felt as though men in South Africa had been deprived of certain things, especially white, Afrikaans men. The Afrikaans culture in South Africa is stereotypically known to be conservative and traditional. They usually tend to be religious and as a result, they strive to live a life that is deemed as decent and appropriate (like any good Christian). There is certainly something to be said of this type of culture.
Recently, I visited Israel. It was interesting to find that some men made eye contact with me. Once I realized this, I focused more on averting my eyes to avoid initiating any unwanted reactions. Apparently, though, according to my partner, I also got many looks from females. I noticed some of them but not as many as he made them out to be.
And here is the thing: If it is ok for women, it should also be ok for men. Is this not true equality?
Give four months of maternity AND paternity leave. Pay men and women the same if they have the same experience and qualifications. If someone smells nice, we should be able to tell them without fearing a court case. If someone’s shirt or blouse brings out the colour of their eyes, we should be able to tell them in an appropriate manner. However, we don’t since some people cannot do it without being creepy. As a result, no one says anything nice about anyone’s outfits. Capisce?
One area where I do feel the need to discriminate is: water closets. There is ALWAYS a queue at the female toilets and usually not a line at the men’s restroom. Why? The big difference is the ease with which men can relieve themselves as opposed to women. This is merely a point of practicality (and there might be others in existence too).
I would say the main thing here is to be practical and logical when approaching these sensitive issues around gender and sexual assault. Another generalization resides here: women are more subjective, men are more objective. Well, then, ladies, run to your most objective girlfriend and ask for her advice before you start crying wolf and putting the rest of humanity at risk.
Furthermore, we should stop dismissing the people who are brave enough to step forward and stand up to their bullies. We should encourage, empower, and support these strong human beings. Also, men can be sexually assaulted or abused just the same as women. Don’t dismiss someone based on their gender. Follow proper protocol and complete the investigation process as required. This is all we can ask for, nothing more. Let justice prevail and let’s give all humans the chance to feel safe, to be seen and heard, and the chance to express themselves respectfully without fear of condemnation and without taking away their voice or basic human rights.
